Good Grief!

Proverbs 20:24

According to Dr. Kubler-Ross, there are five stages of grief:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Even though Kubler-Ross makes it clear that grief isn’t a linear process where we move through the stages, and we don't necessarily experience every stage, many have mistakenly interpreted her work this way.

There’s always a danger that a tick-list lover like me will see this as a grief ‘To do’ list. All you have to do is get through each level, and the grief is gone. In her brilliant book, “You are not alone,” Cariad Lloyd describes in very colourful language how, for the reasons I’ve mentioned, she is not a lover of the five stages of grief approach. I’m sure Kubler-Ross’ model is extremely helpful in many therapeutic settings and has been invaluable in the grief recovery of many, but I’m with Cariad on this one! Now, if you’re a psychology student, grief counsellor, or someone who has studied Kubler-Ross’ research extensively, then I know I’ll have oversimplified her life’s work. Like a sulky teenager, I’m not really bothered!

Grief makes no sense to me at all!

One moment it has you crying over a musical biscuit tin in the Christmas aisle of M&S. The next moment it has you sitting stony faced showing zero emotion during a Mother’s Day service. It catches you off guard when you see yet another Jane McDonald Cruise show listed on Sky and gives you “Shine Jesus Shine” as your grief-trigger song!

I mean, are you kidding me?

And in this confusion, grief makes you wonder if you’re doing it right. There are times when you feel nothing when you “should” be feeling everything, and other times when you just want the grief to ‘do one’ so you can get on with your day...and then feel bad about it!

Grief makes no sense to me at all!

I’m sure if I took a deep-dive into the work of Kubler-Ross she’d probably agree that these stages all intermingle into one big grief soup. So many people carry this around with them every day, and yet we’re all expected to just crack on…which we do…because what other option is there? And we don’t want to make a fuss anyway…it’s just part of life…while also overwhelming every part of our lives!

Grief makes no sense to me at all!

I am reassured that Scripture backs up my theory that there is little rhyme or reason in the grieving process. You only have to turn to the psalms of lament to see all the stages of Kubler-Ross’ model thrown together. The authors of the Psalms express denial, anger, bargain with God, experience deep depression, and occasionally accept their circumstances (often reluctantly). I’m reassured that the humanity of grief is expressed openly in Scripture, and its writers were willing to lay it all out there (which is kind of what I’m doing now).

The stages of grief may or may not be helpful to some, but I find the old saying “take one day at a time” invaluable. Rather than hoping that I’ll somehow work my way through a set of stages, I’m asking God to guide me through the grieving process day by day. The path is long, winding, and uncertain, but as Cariad Lloyd suggests, I’m not alone.

Grief may not make any sense to me at all, but it doesn’t really need to.

As Proverbs 20:24 reminds me,

“The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?”

Proverbs 20:24 (NLT)

In the past, I’ve applied this verse to so many aspects of my life, but never grief. I’m reassured that I can surrender the bits of grief that make no sense to me (pretty much all of it) and let God direct my steps one day at a time.

Kay Moorby