I've noticed a pattern.
There is a spike in readership whenever I write a blog where I'm honest and open about my faith struggles. It doesn't influence what I write each week; it's just a pattern I've noticed.
Today's blog well and truly meets the 'faith struggle' criteria.
It's Thursday evening, and I'm meant to have completed the outline for the Sunday service by now. Like the blog, it's based around the carol 'In the Bleak Midwinter' and focuses on the line 'give my heart.'
There's just one problem.
I'm a bit (a lot) grumpy with God today.
Yes, I know. I'm aware of the sheer arrogance of even committing those words to paper.
Who exactly do I think I am?!
To quote our late Queen Elizabeth II, 2022 has well and truly been an 'annus horribilis' for our family. I say that with no self-pity, as I can objectively look at this year's events and see that anyone else in this situation would come to the same conclusion. Today we took another blow to the gut, and I'd had enough…I don't know what of, because my huffing and puffing make zero difference to the situation.
This morning, the opening line in my prayer journal read,
'I just don’t get you sometimes.'
Have you ever had a faith day like that?
I hope I'm not alone in this.
It doesn't mean I don't love God, my faith is failing, or even that I'm unaware I'm having some kind of spiritual temper tantrum. I just struggle with life sometimes, and, in this head space, I find it challenging to gather thoughts about giving my heart this Christmas.
I'm a child of God, child being the operative word here, and in my childish faith, I'm struggling to wait for challenging situations to get better. I want it to be okay now, not in a few months or years. I want the bleak midwinter to thaw a little. So I've come up here to my office to write it all out of my system like I usually do. As I sit here, I'm reminded of Anna's story as she saw Mary, Joseph and Jesus arrive at the temple.
36 At that very moment, an elderly woman named Anna stepped forward. Anna was a prophetess, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She had been married for seven years before her husband died 37 and a widow to her current age of 84 years. She was deeply devoted to the Lord, constantly in the temple, fasting and praying. 38 When she approached Mary, Joseph, and Jesus, she began speaking out thanks to God, and she continued spreading the word about Jesus to all those who shared her hope for the rescue of Jerusalem.
Luke 2:36-38 (Voice)
I look at Anna's devotion to God, and I realise I'm nowhere near her spiritual maturity yet…and that's okay. I'm sure in the first couple of years after Anna had lost her husband, she had moments in the temple where she cried, 'I just don't get you sometimes.' Yet, each day as she worshipped and served in the temple. God was there with her while she grieved and processed and prayed and struggled and waited and waited and waited…
Anna kept giving her heart throughout every circumstance. God softened and matured her heart through that consistent giving, both on good days and bad.
Anna gives me hope.
She gives us all hope, and I can only pray that if I reach her grand old age, my heart will be filled with praise and thanksgiving to the God who has my heart even on days like today.
By the time you read this on Monday, I'll probably feel totally different. The service at the Salvation Army will be done and dusted, and I'll have moved on from my Thursday evening blip.
Regardless, I'll leave this blog as it is because I know there will be someone else who deeply loves God but is struggling to give all of their heart this Christmas.
Hang in there. We both know that God is good, and the Christmas story reassures us that he is always with us.
If you're struggling to know what to give God this Christmas, join Anna and me as we give our hearts.
Have a blessed Christmas.
Kay Moorby
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