Part seven in the Ouch! series.
This week’s pain clinic was all about the challenges we face communicating with others and handling some of the less positive responses we receive. As we shared together, there were far too many stories of hurtful, insensitive comments made by those who claimed to be supportive friends or family.
“You don’t look like you’re ill.”
“I just put up with my back pain…have you tried getting on with it like I do.”
“You were fine yesterday.”
Having said that…I want to tread carefully with this one!
Whatever the circumstance, I have a real issue with people expecting others to fully understand and empathise with their situation. A lot of the time, I don’t understand what is going on with my chronic illness, so to expect someone else to get it, is unrealistic.
I can’t speak for others, but I don’t expect you to understand the hit and miss nature of fibromyalgia or the many other chronic conditions people are dealing with.
Having said that…what I do hope for (rather than expect) is for you to believe me when I talk about how this illness impacts me and, most importantly, be kind!
Yeah, I know it sounds cheesy, but I think it’s a reasonable hope to have.
Many people with chronic conditions are back and forth to the doctors trying to find out what is wrong with them or get the right treatment. Each time, they must explain over and over all the areas where they can’t function or are struggling to do what others do with ease.
We are constantly reminded of what we can’t do anymore!
People have lost careers they love, miss hobbies or sports that bring them joy, and deal with this loss while justifying and explaining their condition to others. There are those on my pain management course who, despite years of pain, still don’t have a diagnosis. When asked what is wrong with them, they have no answer! Most have read every book, searched every website, been to endless hospital appointments and tried every pain medication or supplement under the sun. And yes, they know that there are people much worse off than them, they use that stick to beat themselves with regularly.
There isn’t anyone on my pain course who is in it for the naps or the sick note!
And yet…they all share stories of insensitive comments where those who had no in-depth knowledge of their condition professed their expertise.
Have you tried…
You just need to…
Maybe if you…
The undercurrent running through all these comments is a sense that if the person just tried a little harder, or toughened up a bit, then they wouldn’t be ill! On top of this, we find ourselves justifying the treatment paths recommended to us, or the actions we have taken to get better.
I don’t want a fuss, special treatment or for you to tiptoe around me. That’s not what I’m trying to say at all.
It would just be nice if, every now and then, there was an acknowledgement that rather than my pain clinic buddies and I being oversensitive, maybe the other person's comment is just insensitive. When someone shares they have a health condition, I tend to assume I’m not the expert in the conversation. I may ask a few questions or even Google in my own time so that they don’t have to explain it again, but I’d never grill them about the validity of their condition. I can’t imagine why someone would assume something is ‘a load of nonsense’ or ‘just a trend’ when they have done zero research about it.
In an ideal world, church would be the place where we wouldn’t need to worry about this kind of thing. As I’ve mentioned before, people within my church community have been brilliant with me. They’ve understood when I’ve cancelled last minute, or needed a rest, or limited my commitment to projects I’d normally be up for, but I also know that I often hide how I’m really feeling. I’ll slap on a smile at church and collapse on the settee in pain when I get home. That’s my way of avoiding awkward conversations.
So, if someone at your church, or in your life generally, is struggling with a weird, unpredictable illness then please try to be kind and encouraging.
Be the person that builds them up rather than making them feel small.
Pray for them regularly and ask God to help you understand how you can offer support.
5 May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, 6 so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Romans 5:5-6
p.s. As we talked about effective communication with others, one of the women on the course shared this absolute gem. Whenever her and her husband sit down to communicate, they always ask…
Do you want solutions or comfort?
I think that’s brilliant!
Even if we don’t articulate the question in our communications with others, we can be mindful of what the other person needs and be there for them in that moment.
Kay Moorby
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